The City of Bloomington Announces Ambitious New Transit Plan: The Monorail

The City of Bloomington is proud to unveil its most ambitious multimodal concept to date: the Bloomington Monorail—an elevated, solar-powered transit line connecting downtown to campus, the Trades District, Switchyard Park, and beyond.

The sleek, single-rail system promises to reduce congestion, cut commute times, and introduce a futuristic flair to Bloomington’s skyline. Proposed features include onboard announcements narrated by a holographic Hoagy Carmichael and complimentary B-Line binoculars for riders to enjoy breathtaking views of limestone rooftops and urban deer.

“This is a transformational moment for Bloomington,” said an unnamed City official while sipping locally roasted coffee from a mason jar. “The Monorail represents our community values of innovation, connectivity, and mild-to-moderate quirkiness.”

The City originally explored constructing underground catacombs to meet the growing demand for pedestrian safety. However, following public feedback that Bloomington already has enough murals, the idea was ultimately abandoned. Officials noted that while subterranean walkability scored high, the Monorail was the next most reasonable option.

To offset the emotional damage of the monorail, the City will plant 1,776 trees explicitly chosen for their ability to absorb sarcasm and one poplar for every online comment ending in “Bloomington has changed.”

In accordance with Bloomington tradition, the Monorail will undergo a rigorous six-week public input process and to ensure transparency, all Monorail planning documents will be made available in both PDF and haiku format.

Construction is expected to begin as soon as the City overcomes minor hurdles such as physics, zoning restrictions, and the bounds of reality.

The City reminds residents to enjoy the lightheartedness of this announcement and wishes everyone a joyful, mildly confusing, and thoroughly Happy April Fool’s Day.

While the monorail may not be real, our commitment to a more connected, creative, and multimodal Bloomington is no joke.

For more information, please contact the Office of the Mayor at 812-349-3406 or comms@bloomington.in.gov.